Machiavella: The Princess

Historical portrait of Niccola Machiavella in an unguarded moment, scheming:


New historical documents -- discovered in situ in a dust bunny's nest over Labor Day weekend -- reveal the diabolical machinations of Niccolo's twin sister, Niccola. Although she is little known to modern scholars and historians, she held court in two continents and demanded complete loyalty from her subjects. While her writing style may not be as elegant or timeless as her brother's, it in fact appears to have been well ahead of its time in anticipating modern self-help literature. Here is an excerpt from Chapter One, "On Being the Center of Attention".

There is no reason why you cannot constantly be the center of attention, if you put your mind to it. A few simple rules make it easier than ever.

• First, you should simply expect the unwavering attention of your subjects. Attitude is everything. This technique is incredibly powerful, and seldom fails - particularly when your subjects are two to three times your own height.

• Second, demand services from your subjects. They will be grateful for the opportunity to show their devotion and attempt to win your favor. The sky is the limit, but tried-and-true methods include impressing one's subjects into service as one's personal steed, or demanding to be chased around the house. (Be careful not to run too far away, however, or your subjects may tire of chasing you - the key is to stay in sight at all times.)

• Third, bask everyone in a warm smile when they comply with your wishes. Despite rumors to the contrary, this is far more effective than sulking or whining when you do not get your way. You will quickly wrap all present around your finger, and they will vie ever more eagerly to please you.
  

• Fourth, if - by some ill chance - someone else momentarily takes the limelight, be patient and remain alert for an opportunity to seize it back. If you are single-mindedly focused on your own need for attention, you will soon spot a way to turn things back to your advantage. Your motto, like Maugrey's, is "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Persist! Never give up, never give in, never surrender! You will prevail![*]
  

[* Editorial footnote: These stirring words are notable not only for their raw power, but also because they constitute exciting new historical evidence of the ancient origins of Harry Potter and Galaxy Quest.]

Fig. 1: The Princess honors her most humble and obedient servant: