"As soon as we rationalize or try to talk away our negativity, we will cause suppression and disconnection from our true nature. Rationalization ... drains us of life force and results in sickness, boredom and lifelessness. ... Even more important, rationalizing can cover up our feelings of remorse that allow us to self-correct. We may do something that hurts others, but by rationalizing we deny our soul's desire to be compassionate. ... Even when we are not responsible for a loss..., it is natural to feel sorrow and wish that it could have been different. ... [C]old rationalizations harden the heart and prevent us from connecting to the world.--John Gray, How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have, ch. 15.
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Some people lose touch with what they really want by overdefending or justifying their position. Rather than make up after an argument by looking at how much they contributed to the problem, they refuse to acknowledge their contribution until the other person apologizes first. By making their feelings of regret and responsibility [contingent on the other person's behavior], they disconnect with their inner desire to learn from everything and grow. They justify what they did rather than feel true compassion or remorse."
Mr. Gray then gives an example of the knee-jerk uncompassionate (i.e., defensive) response. Imagine that on Monday, you said hello and gave someone a friendly pat on the arm. All was well. Then on Friday, you say hello and give the same person a similar friendly pat on the arm -- but this time, the person screams in pain. Unbeknownst to you, your friend's arm was seriously injured during the week. You couldn't see the wound and had no idea there was a problem. Question: did you make a mistake?
Gray's answer: yes. It was an innocent mistake, but it was still a mistake. He then discusses two categories of possible defenses/responses which shut down the opportunity for compassion and connection with others.
First set: "I'm sorry if I did anything wrong" or "I'm sorry if I hurt you." By using the word "if", these statements deny responsibility -- in fact, you did (albeit inadvertently) do something wrong and you did hurt the other person (albeit unintentionally). These statements deny "our heart's desire ... to find an appropriate way to ... comfort the person or compensate in some way. Wanting to make it up is an important link to our inner feelings of conscience, which motivate us to do what is good and wholesome."
Second set: "Well, I didn't know your arm was injured" or "I was just trying to be friendly", etc. With excuses based on our ignorance of the friend's condition (or the friend's failure to warn us), "we not only deny our natural remorse and regret, but we suppress our desire to be more attentive and caring."
2 comments:
What about asking your friend about what happened to their arm and then saying "I'm sorry I didn't know. Get better."
What would Dr. Grey say about dat?
That sounds like an appropriately compassionate response. (Not one of the pathological ones frowned upon by Dr. Gray.)
And I think it's good to reassure your friend that you didn't deliberately or even recklessly inflict pain.
I remember a day when I went out with my two best pals at The Firm for lunch, as we often did, and N said "This may be our last lunch together -- I don't know how much longer I'll be at the firm." We pooh poohed the idea: everyone has ups and downs at The Firm, her fears were unfounded. Then around 4:30 that very afternoon, I ran into N in the hallways and teased her by expressing mock surprise that she was still there -- trying to gently mock away her fears. She smiled wanly. A week or so later, she told me that she actually had been dismissed from the firm in the short time between our lunch and my ill-fated teasing. There was a moment when she was shocked at my incredible callousness, before she realized that I must not have known. I was horrified to learn this; I assured her I had no idea and apologized profusely.
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