Spoofville Daily Bulletin
April 1, 2009
SPOOF CITY -- Janitor Edward Edwin once came across Joe Schlunqk at a local restaurant where Schlunqk was dining with Plato and Aristotle. The three were enjoying themselves, and Schlunqk was pointedly but politely debating the definition of "justice" with Plato, Edwin recalled.
That such a dull mind could relate to a philosopher so well was something that struck Edwin as remarkable, and is a memory that he will never forget. "It was truly astonishing and almost made me rethink the impressive degree of insignificance he'd achieved over the past 30 years of our acquaintance," Edwin said of his former boss.
"He was a gnat as a lawyer," said Edwin. "More importantly, he was a gnat as a friend, adversary, and employer -- pesky, but easy to swat away."
Other former colleagues agreed. "He was a gnat, standing on the shoulders of gnats. He often asked me to focus my research on the most obscure points of law while completely missing the cornerstone of the client's argument. He could hardly pin down the relevant legal issues by himself, let alone remember them long enough to put together a coherent outline," Associate Mary Marvel said. "It didn't take me long to realize I could most easily avoid the risk of malpractice lawsuits by hanging out my own shingle."
Joe Schlunqk died on Tuesday after a tragic encounter with an incandescent bulb. He is survived by numerous progeny, of whom only Joe Schlunqk, Jr. agreed to be interviewed for this article. "Bzzzzz, bzzzz," he said. No more fitting tribute can be offered to this true gnat of the legal community.
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