Thursday, November 26, 2009

Tenacity

It occurs to me that one key ingredient for a successful marriage is sheer stubbornness. Not the kind of stubbornness where one or both insist always on their own way. But a stubborn commitment to making it work -- and even (perhaps) proving all the nay-sayers wrong. How else to explain some of the long-lived marriages among friends and acquaintances where the "conventional wisdom" counseled against them tying the knot in the first place?

These include marriages of young folk:
* age 18, married for 20 years (no college degree)
* age 20/21, married for 14 years (one college graduate, one in college)
* age 21/25, married for 14 years (one college graduate, one grad student)
* age 23/36, married for 10 years (no college degree)

And I know of at least 5 marriages in which the wife is 8 to 12 years older than her husband.* (To be fair, the most recent of these marriages is in its third year -- it has not yet stood the test of time.)

That's not to say that "most" such marriages will succeed -- but at least among these folks, who happen to be from white, middle-class families who in some cases initially worried about the match, they seem to be beating the odds.

FN* None of these couples involve a woman who could be classified as a "cougar" in the current sense, and I believe there was no significant wealth discrepancy between the partners in any of these matches.

2 comments:

Steph J. said...

Don't forget us: married at 23/25, MBA/PhD, 14 years and counting!

We are seeing a rather alarming number of friends' and acquaintances' marriages end in divorce this year (not to mention serious health issues and all sorts of depressing problems). A determination to prioritize the relationship essential.

On the other hand, we saw what we thought was a rock-solid marriage end at 18 years. My friend (the guy, who was literally abandoned in secret) was stunned--he said he was uncertain about the marriage for 10 years, but had finally become secure that they were going to make it.

Constant vigilance!

LeesMyth said...

Awesome!!! I didn't include you guys because I don't think anyone thought you were marrying too young ... partly because you both had your degrees already and were both over 21. :-)
But you have my unconditional congratulations, love and support.

I'm so sorry to hear about the friend you mention. There's something particularly horrible about the situation, a species of fraud, where one spouse is secretly setting up a new life in advance before leaving the other spouse.