Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Black Dahlia (aka "The Blahlia")

Walking into this movie, I had somewhat positive feelings about the lead actresses, Scarlett Johansson (Lost in Translation, not Match Point) and Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby). I expected The Black Dahlia to be a film noir, which meant the women would all be double-crossing types, and vaguely thought it might be a remake or reinterpretation of a famous classic film noir which was recommended to me about 10 years ago, The Blue Dahlia.

It seems safe to say there is no connection whatsoever between the two films.

The Black Dahlia had a few moments of genuine horror/suspense, and made a valiant (but totally unsuccessful) attempt at a meaningful love triangle or two. But it was unintentionally hilarious -- I can't even begin to summarize the plot, because it doesn't really make any sense.

Here are a few random reactions to the love triangles.

Kay Lake is Lee Blanchard's girl - and has been for years, since he paid for her Master's degree - but she says she won't marry him because she doesn't want to sleep with him. She is clearly attracted to Bucky Bleichert, Lee's new partner. (They are cops, natch.) So, naturally, the three of them become best buddies and hang out incessantly. Smart, eh?

Bucky thinks Kay is off-limits because she's his partner's girl. So, naturally, he hooks up with a rich, bisexual nyphomaniac named Madeleine Linscott. After a truly cursory and unilluminating interview with Madeleine in the course of his murder investigation, he agrees to keep Madeleine's name out of the papers in return for the opportunity to have sex with her. They are getting along just fine in the post-coital glow, until Madeleine suddenly admits that she had sex with the murdered woman once. Bucky calls her a stupid slut, puts on his clothes, and leaves. But who is the stupid slut here? Bucky knew Madeleine for approximately 5 minutes before he agreed to suppress information about her so he could get laid. And he knew she frequented lesbian bars, since that's where he met her. So why he suddenly thinks he has the moral high ground here is beyond me.

Then Bucky's partner is killed, and Kay is fair game. So Bucky hooks up with Kay ... only to abandon her viciously when he finds money that Lee hid under the tiles in the bathroom. Bucky exorciates Kay for having failed to tell him (in the short time since they've hooked up) that Lee was a "dirty cop". Never mind that Bucky has failed to tell Kay about his own sordid past, his tryst with Madeleine, etc.

And don't even get me started on the plot line that involves the menace of Kay's ex-pimp who is about to be released from prison. Supposedly Kay is terrified and Bucky and Lee both want to protect her. But nobody even bothers to lock the doors of Kay's home - Bucky just walks in whenever he wishes. I mean, come on! You could at least slow the bad guy down, if he has to jimmy the lock or break down the door!

I suppose the movie has one redeeming feature -- it goes on and on and on, past several perfectly reasonable stopping-points. Although this makes the movie rather tedious, one gets the sense that one's money has at least been amortized over a long period of time. In other words, you feel like you are maximizing hours per dollar spent on the movie ticket. (Just think -- if you spend $10 for your movie ticket and the film feels like it is 10 hours long, you are only spending one dollar per hour -- what a bargain!)

Fortunately, the rest of my day was quite good. It was sunny and warm, so I walked one loop around the park, then skated up from Battery Park to 79th St. riverside cafe for a drink overlooking the water. The wind was blowing against me the whole time, so it was more work than last week, but I felt great.

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