Referendum on a Referendum

There something about losing all of your direct reports in one fell swoop. It makes you feel like there's been a referendum on your managerial skills (or even worse, your personality or worth as a human being or whatever). That's why it's been so tough to lose A and B in quick succession. Intellectually, I know that it isn't really about me. A had been looking for a new job for about 10 months; my boss and I did our best to keep her. We lobbied hard to get her a promotion and raise, and pulled some strings to find her new opportunities within the organization (even ones where she would not be working with us), but she decided to go elsewhere anyway. B was snatched away from us by someone in senior management (she wasn't even looking for the opportunity). So my feeling isn't entirely rational. But it is real, and it has been dragging me down. It was so helpful to express this dark fear out loud to two of my colleagues today, to bring it out into the light and make light of it.

Today I also spoke with my boss about several topics that have been bothering me, including the patterns I've seen in recent appointments, and the conflicts - both direct and subtle - that I foresee as a result. I expressed my feelings about these and other matters professionally and diplomatically, of course, but it's oddly liberating - after so many years completely shut down at The Firm - to articulate emotions in the workplace. What next?

X called today. I didn't think he would. At our last date, which I figured would be our final date, he was kidding (I hope) about how maybe he could marry me for my health insurance. Then later he was suggesting he would be a great catch based on his number of real estate holdings. Our values are so different in so many areas, how could he possibly imagine we might be a match? Then again, I tend to avoid controversy by keeping my mouth shut, which may allow him to imaginatively fill in the gaps and assume whatever he wants to assume. Lacunae are really my bad habit; most people have this incredibly strong motivation to fill the gaps, and they don't even realize they're doing it, and they're almost always wrong. With respect to X, avoiding avoidance of controversy will probably get him to a place where he sees the incompatibilities that I see. So it will actually make things a lot easier for me to court controversy in this case. How strange. I think this will be a very interesting Lenten season.
Y is off to Florida today, so he and I will trade Florida stories when I get back week after next.

Lent starts on Ash Wednesday (tomorrow) and ends on Holy Saturday (March 22 this year), excepting Sundays. So expect perhaps as many as six Sunday postings (they may also be sundae postings, who knows) over the course of the next six weeks, and otherwise see you at Easter.